Liner’s Notes

CAROLINE’S COLUMN

updated January 2, 2010

Exposed!

This happened summer before last when I was on a business trip and took a few days to chill at a motel adjacent to the Woodburn Outlet Mall (which is the most fabulous outlet mall in the US. It has EVERY NAME BRAND YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO SHOP IN and then some.) The motel was definitely not four-star but it was nice (I even had a kitchenette so I could cook in.) Most importantly it had an outdoor pool – so when not shopping – I could bask in the sun by the pool.

OK… day one went without a hitch.

Day two didn’t.

The first day I decided to just hit the pool and shop the next day. I claimed my spot and set up camp. I remained the lone sun worshiper for a couple of hours before the masses arrived. An eighth grade girls softball team had just checked into the motel and were all over hitting the pool with their parents in tow. The girls were boisterous swimmers creating quite the refreshing occasional splash (refreshing because it was nearly 100 degrees outside and had been for days.) I

joined in conversation with the mothers while the fathers gathered around the ice-filled, beer-ridden cooler. All was well and went well. I felt like a bonded member of the softball inner circle.

Day Two:

I got up and went shopping. I was in the market for a new black leather purse. But as my “bud” Murphy had it, it was the only item missing in the mall (every black purse was some weird design that you’d only see in Vogue.) I was a victim of a global shortage of reasonably attractive black leather purses. So I shopped for my daughter instead and found some great bargains. Feeling quite pleased with my  shopping prowess, I headed back to the motel to lay in the sun. While putting on my swimsuit, the left strap on my swimsuit top broke. I rigged up a safety pin situation (from the motel-provided sewing kit) and deemed it sound.

Silly me…

I went to the pool only to find the place jam-packed – but my softball friends had saved the spot I’d occupied the previous day. “Cool,” I thought, feeling like I’d be partying with these people later on. So we’re having a good time talking… and I did indeed join them in libation. The women had planned to go shopping so they left around three or so. The young girls were consumate fishes in the background and I stayed, talking with the husbands and the two women that didn’t go shopping. During a lull in the conversation, I leaned back to lay down…WHEN SUDDENLY… a wardrobe malfunction (akin to Janet Jackson’s) ensued. The thing is… I didn’t realize it immediately until I heard applause and sat up to see what the ruckus was about. Well, it was about me baring my not-so-large breast to the parents and their daughters. I must have turned 14 shades of red as I struggled to reattach my jerry-rigged top. One of the wives sprang to my rescue and saved the day. Their was no saving my modesty at that point. But my “new-found-buddies” laughed it off and it was forgotten. We said our farewells later and I went to my room to make dinner and settle in.

I decided to lay on the bed and watch TV. Since I had a few beers earlier in the scorching sun, and had such success finding Melissa school clothes, I was tired. I dozed off soon after. Later I woke up, dazed, and looked at the TV. There were very untoward activities of the flesh, rather alternative activities, going on before my eyes. I thought to myself, “What on earth do the people of Woodburn watch!?!”

Then I saw the horror.

A banner across the bottom of the screen. It read: “Adult Entertainment Pay-Per-View.”

I must have rolled over onto the remote, repeatedly, in such a choreographed manner that I ordered porn! I’d been out for hours so I shuddered at the thought of just how many movies I had ordered. I succumbed to the reality that I’d have to cross that bridge when I checked out.

Day Three:

I got up, decided to check out the local, small town points of interest and return at noon to lay out by the pool.

This was the day of the big softball game so the mom/dad/daughter entourage was not present. I had the place to myself with the exception of a couple who were entirely wrapped up in their own world. I didn’t even exist. I found that refreshing, put on my iPod and just relaxed. After leaving the pool, I went up to my room and cooked dinner. I watched a little TV while doing some computer work. Around 8pm I decided to exercise. I hadn’t for a few days so I decided to do an hour of fun exercise. I really hate to “just” exercise. I’d rather get my exercise doing a project so the exercise benefit is a byproduct. A beneficial byproduct. So the alternative when travelling is push-ups and dance. Keeping in mind that 90+ temperatures are taking place, I decided after doing the push-ups to lose some clothing. OK, I’ll set this up. I was on the back side of the motel which looked down upon a completely empty parking lot. The motel wasn’t full even with the softball group. I had my windows open because the air conditioning wasn’t as effective as opening the windows to the night air. The air conditioner was somewhat challenged. So the curtains were open too. About 10 minutes into my aerobic “Madonna’s Greatest Hits” dancing, I decided to lose the rest of my clothing because it was so darn hot. OK, that’s weird but I was in a happy place in my life and felt like letting all go! So at track 12 (about 40-45 minutes into that CD) I dance toward the windows, this time looking out and notice a group of the softball dad’s having a tailgate party in the parking lot.

And I was the entertainment.

Cooler on tailgate, beers in hand and frivolity abounding! I shreiked in horror, folded my body into the vertical fetal position and backed up post haste! I got down on the floor and crawled to the window, slowly raised my head to look out and am greeted with applause. Actually an encore after my wardrobe malfunction at the pool. I crawled back and got my bathrobe on then closed the curtains to a chorus of “BOOS.”

I was mortified. Totally. I had intended to stay one more day but…

Day four…

I decided to check out.

I went down to check out with an elaborate story as to the porn ordering. I was met with a Russian woman who spoke broken English. I decided any explanation at that point would only exponentiate the

wrongness of the situation. I paid and left. I tell you I will never make more of an unintentional impression anywhere else!

Like a distorted trip through the looking glass or to OZ!